There's a clock in this room,
I swear I can hear it.
There's a clock in this room,
Just can't fucking find it.
Keep finding pictures of me
From your younger days.
Something's chasing me through
These streets, and I'm losing;
When the fire dies, I hear
It stepping through my veins...
I found a picture of me
From your wedding day.
Keep seeing you in the mirror, and it scares me.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Train (time fades away) by Kevin Kavanagh
Train (time fades away)
The train pulls away,and I enter my carriage.
It's filled with the same piercing silences that fill
the halls of home. For now,I fill my seat.
I have no destination,possessing barely a thought
for that notion.
Leaving was easy. Daily the white noise came,
crushing in its monotony.
But the noises here are real. The cups and cutlery
clatter as the tea trolley passes my seat,drawing
interest from the woman opposite me. Her voice
fills the carriage for the first time,feeding my
anxious mind with thoughts.
The polite code of silence is otherwise adhered,
save for those children who knew no better.
Everyone sits,silently judging and painting stories
of what one would imagine of another's life.
Each of us unable to face ourselves
The train swallows the land,as time fades away
The train pulls away,and I enter my carriage.
It's filled with the same piercing silences that fill
the halls of home. For now,I fill my seat.
I have no destination,possessing barely a thought
for that notion.
Leaving was easy. Daily the white noise came,
crushing in its monotony.
But the noises here are real. The cups and cutlery
clatter as the tea trolley passes my seat,drawing
interest from the woman opposite me. Her voice
fills the carriage for the first time,feeding my
anxious mind with thoughts.
The polite code of silence is otherwise adhered,
save for those children who knew no better.
Everyone sits,silently judging and painting stories
of what one would imagine of another's life.
Each of us unable to face ourselves
The train swallows the land,as time fades away
Monday, March 7, 2011
At the Window by Eamonn O'Neill
At the Window
It’s okay during the sunlight. Just about okay. Night is when everything starts to shift. Inside changes with the out. Heart beats a little faster, air feels a little tighter. Like my whole body is playing a trick on me. My creator laughing at me. Like he made me defective so he could laugh on the lonely days. If he’s anything like me then there are lonely, lonely days. But they can’t hold a torch to the night.
*
“CBT or cognitive Behavioural Therapy may have better results than medicating. It’s a kind of exposure therapy that retrains the brain. To be honest, sedatives really shouldn’t be used the way you’re using them.”
He waits for me to reply. I don’t.
“There’s an article I read recently by a peer of mine that says if nychtophobia isn’t faced it grows. The Chinese call this kind of anxiety a hungry ghost. They say the only way to neutralise it is to learn to face it. This is what the exposures would aim to achieve. The same article states that the phobia has been known to be extremely disruptive to adult patients and incapacitating if it is constantly blanketed with medication.”
Ray Johnston BSc. (Psych.) looks at me after he says his piece. Am I supposed to be enlightened? Am I supposed to be relieved? Am I really, truly supposed to give a shit anymore?
“What do you think James?”
“It’s been about twelve years now. People just figured I’d grow out of it, I guess... I don’t know what do you want me to say? That I can see myself retraining my brain? I can’t.”
“See James what I don’t understand is how it started when you were thirteen. For example people who have been attacked at night, especially in their homes exhibit symptoms of nychtophobia. Was there any kind of trigger that started this? Remember what you say here is confidential.”
He looks at me. I look at him. Directly in the eye no less and I tell the mother of all black little lies.
“No.”
“Look James...”
Doctor Ray grabs the bridge of his nose with his thumb, index and forefinger. He closes his eyes tightly and sighs as he says my name. This makes me feel about as good as the shit that sticks to the toilet. The unclean, odorous smear on your otherwise pristine porcelain. The one that doesn’t flush.
“I’m going to be completely honest. The kind of fear you have of the dark at twenty five years of age is rare. Without a trigger even more so. I know all the self help books tell you you’re a good, normal person but you aren’t normal. This fear is preventing you from having a normal life.”
“I don’t have an awful lot of luxuries Dr. Johnston. I know it must be frustrating to understand but these sedatives are the only thing that really help me.”
“Have you tried any forms of psychotherapy? I know most psychiatrists are very pharma friendly, most overly so but I really think some form of exposure therapy would benefit you. I’m not against medication James, most of the people that come here need it. They have severe chemical imbalances but you don’t. Simply put; you’re sane. This fear of the dark has been learned. You need to unlearn it.”
“It’s not that easy... I...”
“It’s not as easy as living your life as an over-the-counter drug abuser?”
People have called them moments of clarity, revelations and epiphanies; I suppose that’s accurate enough. All I know for sure is for the first time in a long time I feel I should cop on and stop feeling sorry for myself. I stand up and Ray can’t hide the half smile from his face.
“You’re right.”
*
Dinner passes slowly. No one talks at the table. It’s just me, my father and my mother listening to each other eating.
“How was the doctor?” my father manages.
“Goodish, I’m not going to take my meds for awhile and see what happens.”
“That’s good” my mother says. She hasn’t listened to what I said but at least she pretends. We all go back to eating. I listen more intently than before.
*
The light is on. I’ve closed every door that leads out of the hall except the door to my room. Inside is illuminated. There is the main light, a night light, three lamps and an array of candles. I figure if a bulb goes out I should be okay. Even a power cut and the candles should burn until it’s at least dusk. Worst comes to worst and everything goes I’ve got three flashlights. They should keep the room bright enough. I get ready for bed, I can feel the darkness at my back. Pulling across the curtains becomes something of an epic melodrama. I close my eyes approaching the window but something in Dr. Ray’s makes me open them. Exposure therapy. I think of the homeless in Iraq sleeping peacefully as another car explodes. Shadows creep around the garden like wooden snakes. The contrast of black on black, the noise of the wind and the sneering shadows watch my every move.
The wind dies down. I can’t figure out if this is more or less jarring. A coldness descends on me and melts on my heart. It drips anxiously into my stomach.
It started when I was thirteen. A film about a madman, a butcher’s knife and a mask. The mask was a metaphor for trust, how could you trust what you couldn’t identify? The knife was a metaphor for a surgery of sorts. For changing something that was already fine. Marketing out humanity. Pornography defiles love. The law defiles truth while upholding it. Beauty is taught with billboards and silicone. We smile at each other then spit behind backs, shake the hand of neighbouring countries with ever growing armaments. Twist the meaning of our Gods to let us do whatever we want. Denying those who worship him a veto on our dogmatic putrification of His purity. I’m not religious but it’s only because I understand God’s message. Sometimes I wish the darkness of humans scared me as much as the darkness of night.
The film ended and I went to bed a little jarred. At the time not reading so much into the subtext. I highly doubt the writer or director ever have. I knew those sort of things didn’t happen to people like me. Knew my parents would keep me safe from the outside. And then as I thought this and started drifting to sleep something knocked on my window. It knocked four times, then a pause, then four more.
I wasn’t afraid of what I saw initially. But twelve years spent thinking about it. That changed things. Behind the glass a person stared back at me. The lips contorted as if they were torn. Four knocks- pause. Four knocks- pause...over and over. You’d think I would have called my parents, maybe I should have. But I didn’t. The person was about my height. My weight. It didn’t hit me until I saw his eyes.
He was me.
The imposter stopped knocking at my window and frowned. He tapped his nose four times and faded into the night. I would lie in bed waiting for the knock but it never came. In time I convinced myself it was all a dream. Then one night a terrible thought occurred to me. The reason my imposter didn’t knock against my window was because he was inside. He didn’t need to knock anymore.
I began seeing abstract images of myself in the darkness. I was standing at the edge of my closet, the foot of my bed or peering from inside the television. Sometimes stray clothes curled into the foetal position and took my form. The imposter was everywhere in the darkness. Smiling his twisted smile. He was safe inside and I wasn’t.
I went on medication once the ‘night terrors’ interrupted my parent’s dreams. They have been sleeping soundly for twelve years now.
The first night without the medication was less intimidating than I expected. I slept for a few hours and even turned off the lamps. Only the candles and night light remained. Being inside the belly of the beast couldn’t live up to the twelve year prologue I had given it. Maybe it was all childish delirium. I looked for myself in the room. Months passed and I found no one. The exposures were working. Nothing to fear but fear itself, the phrase had never made as much sense to anyone as it now did to me.
*
The darkness has become a kind of peace. It soothes me. The abyss in my eyes is a welcome break from the vibrant city lights. I rest easily tonight.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock...”
“Knock, knock, knock, knock...”
It’s not the sound of banging, not this time. This time it’s just a voice. And somewhat unsurprisingly it’s my voice. I’m not afraid, I’ve been waiting for this for twelve years. If my imposter is behind the glass then he is not underneath my skin. I don’t turn on the light. I open the curtains and stare at myself. I stare back. It’s cold outside. I have to keep rubbing my arms just to keep the heat inside my body. I start to wish I’d worn a hat. I open the window and leave it on the latch. I lean out and look at myself. I look tired. I light a cigarette.
“Can I bum one of those off you?” I ask the imposter, “It’s really cold out here.”
“I hand the imposter a cigarette “what are you doing back here? It’s been awhile you know. Haven’t exactly had a great time these past twelve years.”
I walk into my room wearing my trademark smile and stare at myself talking to myself. How many of these imposters are there? This is all getting very interesting. I laugh inwardly. I see someone walking into the room behind the imposter with the cigarettes. It’s so cold out here.
“You think I could come inside with you two? Really is cold.”
“Two?” I turn around and there he is. Twelve years. My heart pangs for a second. I will not be afraid of this imposter. I am not afraid of myself anymore.
“Yeah come in.”
I climb through the window and feel the heat as soon as my feet touch the ground.
“Don’t smoke in here though, I don’t like having a smoky room.”
“Me neither!” I say. The one who just came in the window doesn’t laugh but the other imposter grins a little.
“Why are you always smiling? Twelve years of smiling must get a little tedious?” I’m not afraid. Not afraid. Afraid.
“Bad things happen in life James, can’t be helped really. Gotta just smile your way through. When life hands you lemons...”
“Make lemonade?” I interrupt. I’m still a little cold.
“Well, if you want yes, but has life given you the water and sugar?” I’m probably smarter than both these imposters.
“Life can’t give you everything. I get it, well done you’re clever.” I hate people who think they’re smarter than everyone else.
“So I suppose you want to know why I’m back?”
“I’d prefer to know why you came in the first place but yeah, why are you back?”
“Milestones, well that’s what I think anyway. You pass a milestone, knock, knock blah, blah you get it?”
He’s wrong. Everything hits me, it all makes sense now. He was never an imposter. I turn around to the quiet one rubbing his arms by the window.
“How do you feel today?”
“Huh?” Why is he asking me this? I don’t really feel like talking.
“How do you feel? Life wise like?”
“I dunno a little down I guess, life hasn’t really worked out the way I hoped it would you know?” Why is he smiling at me? Condescending...that’s so condescending. I just opened up to him. Everyone thinks I’m stupid now...
I laugh. It’s all so simple!
“You guys have been thinking I’m the imposter right?!”
“Well yeah, I know who I am but I don’t know who you are. You just look like me.” I frown a little.
“Same.” I hope he doesn’t laugh at me again.
“And of course I feel the same about you guys!”
“So?”
“So none of us are imposters!”
“I get it...that’s sad...I’m gonna stay depressed forever and he’s gonna take over when we’re happy. And you’re gonna take over we’re enlightened or something right?” Depressed forever, that’s awful. I hope the suicidal one takes over soon.
“But we still feel. How can we feel if we’re the feelings?” Unlucky imposter. You aren’t as smart as you think!
“Think of something sad happy James!”
“Like what?”
“Like the time granddad died.”
I burst into tears. They’re gonna think I’m really stupid now.
“See! You’re not crying sad James is!”
“Hmm, good work. I think you must be stable James. Sad, stable and happy, that makes sense right?” This one isn’t as stupid as I thought.
“Yeah but that can’t be it. There must be more of us.” The sad James is starting to annoy me now. It’s like he’s looking for attention or something. I can’t believe that’s what I’m like when I’m miserable. No wonder the mother doesn’t pay attention.
I want to go home. I want to be alone.
“You’re right ‘cos we’ve been angry, and frustrated and horny. Heh heh you know how I feel about curvy blondes... of course you do hahaha!”
The happy one is a bit annoying too. Is that really how I act when I’m happy? What’s wrong with this one he doesn’t laugh just smiles. He’s boring as hell. And that sad one’s a pain in the ass. I hate both of these people. I want to go home. I want to be alone. I’m so stupid.
“So who’s in charge now?”
“I dunno I guess we just wait and see what happens.”
Knock, knock, knock, knock...
Friday, February 18, 2011
Poems by Nicola Fortune
Thoughts
I want the choice to decide
Not only by your words must i abide
I regret but am happy to tell you
I live for me and what i do.
Whispering in an ear you shouldn't
Living deadly dreams knowing you couldn't
With foolish eyes that led you on
To defeat the purpose of that song.
I tell you i quit to have hope,
Release this, to have ability to cope.
I wish I hadn't heard the voice that spoke
Wrap your words around my neck
Learn to efficiently choke.
Grievances of a past scar you know is there
Guilt of a past love you know wasn't fair
I no longer know what I'm trying to say
So I'll leave it for today...
I'll leave it for you to ponder this way.
Heaven At My Feet
Heaven is so far away
And I'm loosing my will to stay young
The story She told me would, has begun
And as the wind blows, it sings the song i gave to the sun.
Heaven is so far away
And I've no morality left to defend
Because of that, do you except the only gift i send?
Promising to perfect it infinitely before it's end.
Heaven is so far away
Yet here I am standing with my Heaven at my feet
Hearing a voice softly telling me
'' I've kept you a seat''
Come sit along side me, feel relief
Smile at defeating defeat.
I want the choice to decide
Not only by your words must i abide
I regret but am happy to tell you
I live for me and what i do.
Whispering in an ear you shouldn't
Living deadly dreams knowing you couldn't
With foolish eyes that led you on
To defeat the purpose of that song.
I tell you i quit to have hope,
Release this, to have ability to cope.
I wish I hadn't heard the voice that spoke
Wrap your words around my neck
Learn to efficiently choke.
Grievances of a past scar you know is there
Guilt of a past love you know wasn't fair
I no longer know what I'm trying to say
So I'll leave it for today...
I'll leave it for you to ponder this way.
Heaven At My Feet
Heaven is so far away
And I'm loosing my will to stay young
The story She told me would, has begun
And as the wind blows, it sings the song i gave to the sun.
Heaven is so far away
And I've no morality left to defend
Because of that, do you except the only gift i send?
Promising to perfect it infinitely before it's end.
Heaven is so far away
Yet here I am standing with my Heaven at my feet
Hearing a voice softly telling me
'' I've kept you a seat''
Come sit along side me, feel relief
Smile at defeating defeat.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Explanation by Nicola Fortune
Explanation of what I've witnessed
There's no purpose of it's persistance
Voiced worries over a common heart
None of your replies fit the questioned part
Why say all the things you've said?
While dumping motives innocently in my head
The coincidental stench was leaving
Until your heart and soul gave up believing
There's nothing now i can say to change the bad
Although puzzled by a face that looks so glad
Sometimes it's best not to ponder on the things we could have had.
How long lasts this imprisonment
Depends on yourself and your own temperment
Believing in what's meant to take place
Gives fate it's never ending changing face
Don't let the sand fall through the cracks in your hand
Acting as your heart, you will die if it touches land
Listen to the child who has so profoundly something to say
It will change the process of your every waking day
There is no greater tradegy than your own idealisation
With it, it does not bring any worthy gratification
And with no way further to a full realisation
There goes yet another wasted explanantion.
There's no purpose of it's persistance
Voiced worries over a common heart
None of your replies fit the questioned part
Why say all the things you've said?
While dumping motives innocently in my head
The coincidental stench was leaving
Until your heart and soul gave up believing
There's nothing now i can say to change the bad
Although puzzled by a face that looks so glad
Sometimes it's best not to ponder on the things we could have had.
How long lasts this imprisonment
Depends on yourself and your own temperment
Believing in what's meant to take place
Gives fate it's never ending changing face
Don't let the sand fall through the cracks in your hand
Acting as your heart, you will die if it touches land
Listen to the child who has so profoundly something to say
It will change the process of your every waking day
There is no greater tradegy than your own idealisation
With it, it does not bring any worthy gratification
And with no way further to a full realisation
There goes yet another wasted explanantion.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Poems by Shane Hurley
Letter to Home
You will never understand the shallow thoughts I dismiss.
Your way into heaven will never bring upon you bliss.
You can march up the stairwell 'til your whole body is sore.
See the world there not accepting your angels anymore.
I took a walk towards the city last night,
In my damp and sweaty clothes, as high as a kite.
The buzz off the students once excitement in the air,
Reminded me how much, these days, I don't care.
So now I'm back in the world where the first is the last,
And finally release all that shit from your past.
I've seen a man disappear and a nurse loose her mind,
I'm just about at the end of being patient and kind.
Paying for a lie by living by your side,
Drown me when the tide comes in.
Paying for a lie the old persona died,
It's too late now but I still cry sometimes.
Feeling so sick now,
Have to give up sometime,
Thought I saw an angel,
But she was just in my mind.
Substitute For Love
Incapable of love,
Unable to love,
Long to love and be loved,
Substitutes don't exist.
Not suited to drink,
Not suited to eat,
Not suited to drugs,
But I am addicted to all of them.
Always wondering and searching,
For something that can't be found,
It flaunts its stuff to tease me,
I see it here and living on the town.
Even the one's who are worse you wear,
Don't seem to cry, I guess they're unaware,
Of the things that are bad, but they keep them together,
If I could trade all my friends I wouldn't think twice to sever.
Will someone come and just take me out,
Or put something worthwhile to say in my mouth,
I've even again tried to look up above,
But no one ever owns or substitutes your love.
You will never understand the shallow thoughts I dismiss.
Your way into heaven will never bring upon you bliss.
You can march up the stairwell 'til your whole body is sore.
See the world there not accepting your angels anymore.
I took a walk towards the city last night,
In my damp and sweaty clothes, as high as a kite.
The buzz off the students once excitement in the air,
Reminded me how much, these days, I don't care.
So now I'm back in the world where the first is the last,
And finally release all that shit from your past.
I've seen a man disappear and a nurse loose her mind,
I'm just about at the end of being patient and kind.
Paying for a lie by living by your side,
Drown me when the tide comes in.
Paying for a lie the old persona died,
It's too late now but I still cry sometimes.
Feeling so sick now,
Have to give up sometime,
Thought I saw an angel,
But she was just in my mind.
Substitute For Love
Incapable of love,
Unable to love,
Long to love and be loved,
Substitutes don't exist.
Not suited to drink,
Not suited to eat,
Not suited to drugs,
But I am addicted to all of them.
Always wondering and searching,
For something that can't be found,
It flaunts its stuff to tease me,
I see it here and living on the town.
Even the one's who are worse you wear,
Don't seem to cry, I guess they're unaware,
Of the things that are bad, but they keep them together,
If I could trade all my friends I wouldn't think twice to sever.
Will someone come and just take me out,
Or put something worthwhile to say in my mouth,
I've even again tried to look up above,
But no one ever owns or substitutes your love.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Still Birth- A poem by Eamonn Barrett
Still Birth
All through morning, the weight of morning lifted.
I felt words once whispered come back to me:
"Mezzo del cammin..."
I would away to our father's
house and its separation, the slow-din of Sunday's
bells falling his village as all becomes holy.
Or to the Garden before Adam cursed the earth.
"...di nostra vita."
Outside, autumn's small print
shifts, hesitates, then as the automatic still
takes hold, repeats itself within the haunt-song
of a cicada. The air fills with sheer activity.
"mi ritrovai..."
I find myself back by her side.
The midday sun pulses light on her glass coffin.
"...per una selva oscura."
by Eamonn Barrett.
All through morning, the weight of morning lifted.
I felt words once whispered come back to me:
"Mezzo del cammin..."
I would away to our father's
house and its separation, the slow-din of Sunday's
bells falling his village as all becomes holy.
Or to the Garden before Adam cursed the earth.
"...di nostra vita."
Outside, autumn's small print
shifts, hesitates, then as the automatic still
takes hold, repeats itself within the haunt-song
of a cicada. The air fills with sheer activity.
"mi ritrovai..."
I find myself back by her side.
The midday sun pulses light on her glass coffin.
"...per una selva oscura."
by Eamonn Barrett.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Falling Asleep In a Hollywood Dream by Robert Billington
The stifling heat awoke Dave slowly. Clumsily he pushed the bed covers off him in an attempt to cool down slightly, turned over on his side and stretched his arm out to his bedside locker. His hand fumbled to find his cigarettes. After a few seconds of pawing around he found them, slowly drew one from its box and lit it. Dave inhaled fast and let the smoke fill his lungs, slowly exhaled and watched it flitter into nothingness. It had been three weeks since he had slept for any longer than three hours. “I need to stop this; can't function anymore; mind becoming erratic.” he told himself with conviction. With that he sat up at the end of his bed, scratched his head and looked around. His large bedroom was in a bad state of neglect. Dirty clothes were strewn about the floor and dishes were turning green with mould. The stench was putrid. “Ah, there it is, damned thing”, he muttered as he snatched his maroon dressing gown from the floor and slipped into it.
As he quickly stubbed out his cigarette Dave stood up, blood rushed to his head and his pupils dilated. His vision was blurry now. He thrust his left arm against the wall to support himself, “Oh God, I feel like shit” he thought in self-pity. His stomach tightened and groaned and with that Dave ran to the en-suite and as he did so he slipped on the glossed black tiles and violently hit his head off the hard surface. Waves of pain pulsed through Dave’s body, “Not again, I cant take this,” he muttered to himself but as he finished his inner monologue he felt a warm burning sensation rising up his oesophagus, His mouth automatically opened to let the vomit pour out as Dave’s nostrils filled with the sickly smell. He felt the warm thick liquid stream down his chin and cheeks. For a moment he just lay there still and mused to himself, “How can I even vomit anymore? I haven’t eaten in three days.” The room filled with a cackling laugh; the laugh of a man who had stooped so low that he could even make hurting himself amusing in his head.
After about fifteen minutes of lying there and laughing at his own sorrows Dave slowly stood up, turned on the faucet and splashed water over his face to wash off the vomit and the water felt good on his skin; it was a small amount of relief in comparison to the mishap he'd endured. He looked up from the sink and into the murky mirror overhead, “God, man, you look horrendous” he said to himself with disdain whilst feeling his face. Dave was a good looking man of twenty-six but the past few weeks had taken their toll on him. His usually immaculate short cut brown hair now hung over his brow and was matted to his scalp. The area surrounding his eyes was composed of various shades of purple, black and yellow and the eyes themselves were almost entirely bloodshot. Wrinkle lines had carved their way deep into his brow and he had now grown an unbecoming beard. This was completely out of character for Dave as he'd always been obsessive about his appearance.
Dave took one more quick glance at himself before he fastened his robe and shambled into the living room. As he opened the door light flooded through his eyes, squinting as they struggled to take in the strong midday sun, “Christ, I need to clean this shit up,” he thought to himself. Magazines were strewn across the floor, his couch was broken in two and empty vodka bottles had taken over the kitchen to where Dave proceeded and boiled some water to make himself a green tea. He struggled with the kettle as he tried to pour water into a cup, “SHIT!!!,” he screamed in agony missing the cup and scalding his feet he cursed again, “Goddamn it; need to focus; need to regain composure.” Dave took in a deep breath and stirred his tea, limped back across the living room and stared out of the huge window. “Hollywood hills: The symbol of celebrity, status and culture.” Pausing for a minute he made a puzzled expression and thought “But what does it all stand for? What does it mean? It’s entirely shallow. Everyone who lives here is a blood-sucking whore who'll cut you down in the name of their public image.” He clenched his fists and his cheeks turned claret. Picking up a glossy magazine from the floor he gazed trance-like at it for some time. “How could they do this to me? The tabloids and their fucking see-saw morals, it's all a show. Ha! 'Natalie Goldman set to marry new hunk.' ” His hands began to shake and scrunching up the magazine in his fist he threw it at the stack of empty vodka bottles and sent one of them crashing to the ground, exploding into hundreds of tiny shards. His mind filled with hate.
“How could that goddamn bitch do this to me? It’s only been two months and she’s engaged, is she for real?” Tears streamed down Dave’s cheeks and his head became heavy with emotion, “Does she have no feelings for me at all anymore? All I ever did was give that girl everything I could and then she cheats on me with some stranger in a nightclub. Not only that but she didn’t have the tact to do it away from cameras? I don’t know who’s worse, her or me. I spent 3 years of my life with her after all but I never thought she was capable of something of that degree. Got to stop thinking like this; I’m going around in circles.” Dave turned away from the window and went over to his answering machine and pressed play. “Hey Dave, it’s Troy. How are you doing, man? Sorry I couldn’t ring sooner, just been really busy. Anyway, get to the point, I’ll drop by at three, see you soon. Oh yeah, I‘ve got what you asked for.” Dave glanced at his watch. It was two-thirty so he'd have just enough time to shower before Troy, his agent, called over.
The broken actor opened the fridge, “Ah, the Devil's brew!!” he said to himself with a grin on his face whilst reaching in and grabbing a fresh bottle of vodka from the seven that were in there. He opened a cupboard above and grabbed a pint glass, placed it on the table and with shaky hands filled it half way. Dave picked up the glass and idly watched the vodka swirl around before downing it all in one go. He felt his stomach warm and his throat burn, It was a feeling he had grown well accustomed to over the past few weeks. In the en suite the smell of vomit almost turned Dave's stomach but he didn’t care as it was the least of his worries. He dropped his robe and stepped into his shower, the warm water was comforting. He closed his eyes and let the alcohol take over.
Dave was woken by the doorbell ringing, he'd fallen asleep standing in the shower having succumbed to the vodka; “One second” he shouted out while stepping out of the shower and putting his robe back on. Staggering down the hall he opened the door sharply. Troy was standing there with a full bin liner. He was a well preserved forty-five year old and had mousey coloured hair which was cut tight to his head, aviator sun glasses sat on his long nose, which he peered over with a sombre look on his face, “Hey Man, how are you holding up?” There was a grave sense of sympathy in Troy’s voice. “I’m good Troy , real good. Come in.” Troy knew in his heart that Dave was not OK, but decided to indulge him for fear of enraging his long-term client. The pair walked down the hallway, Dave turning to Troy with a smile: “Do you like the new look? I’m trying out something new, a kind of New Age hippy thing.” Troy looked up at Dave with a false grin, “Yeah, You look great kid.”, “Thanks”, replied Dave with a big smile but Troy could see that Dave’s teeth had yellowed severely since they'd last met and that his breath smelled rancid. He loathed seeing Dave like this. The pair went into the living room and Dave turned to Troy with an earnest in his eyes, “Empty the bag” he said with a bitter tone in his voice. “Are you sure Dave?” countered Troy with an air of reluctance. Dave moved forward, intimidating, “Just empty the bag” almost losing his temper, feeling his heart beat rising and his stomach flutter with anticipation.
Leaning forward Troy picked up the bag, tipping its contents on to the white marble floor. “Here they are, just like you asked. This is pretty much every article either you or Natalie have appeared in since things went bad.” But Dave wasn’t listening, he was on his hands and knees frantically pawing through the magazines. He looked up at Troy with wild eyes, flailing a magazine in his hand, “Have you seen this? I mean, come on!” The article's title read “Naughty Nat up to no good!” and underneath was a picture of her straddling a unknown man in a glitzy nightclub. Troy’s heart broke for Dave, he looked at him and saw the hollow shell of the man he once was. His hair was filthy, eyes sore and vacant, finger nails crusted with dirt, cheeks sunken and taught and a straggly beard. It was a far cry from the man who'd been awarded two Oscars and had been to Africa on numerous aid missions. “Yeah I saw it, Dave. She isn’t worth thinking about anymore. I mean what she did to you was disgusting.” But Dave wouldn’t answer, rather fixating on the brightly coloured trash on the floor.
Troy moved away from Dave, sat in an armchair, gazed out of the window and reflected. Four months ago his client was the hottest property in Hollywood and now the media had raped him, sucked him of his integrity, and spat him out. It wasn’t long before both Natalie and Dave had become targets, Natalie for obvious reasons and Dave because he'd 'Let himself go.' Troy’s mind grew heavy. How could they do that to people? Didn't they realise that actors are just human too? Just people like anyone else except their lives are in the spotlight and that in itself makes the ridiculous amounts of money they get paid justifiable. Suddenly Dave hopped in front of Troy, flicking through the pages of a magazine, “Sorry Troy I’m being rude, how are you? Have I had any job offers?” That put Troy on the spot; there hadn’t been any studio calls regarding Dave at all but he knew he couldn’t offend him either so tried to skirt the issue , “Ah I’m ok, same old story as always” Dave who was sitting cross legged on the floor in front of Troy peered up at him with an eager look, “So what about jobs?” Troy shifted uneasily in his seat and placed his hand on the side of his head, “Well there haven’t exactly been many man”, Dave looked up from his magazine confused, “What do you mean?” since Dave‘s first big movie he'd gotten used to rejecting hundreds of offers. Troy sighed “I mean there's been no acting offers, only tabloids wanting your side of the break-up.” The afternoon's visitor hoping not to offend his trusted charge accepted there was no way to avoid it. Dave was a passionate actor and the thought of talking to the tabloids about his private life apppalled him,so Troy cringed in anticipating Dave’s reply.
Looking up from the magazine Dave stared blankly at Troy and an uncomfortable silence followed. The actor closed his eyes and drew in a deep breath, “I cant do that” he said calmly while looking back down at the magazine. Troy was surprised by Dave’s nonchalant answer which encouraged him to further understand his reasoning, “Why not?,” he asked in plain honesty. Dave put the magazine to one side and uncrossed his legs, “Why not? Why not?” Dave let out a quiet chuckle, “I’ll tell you why not. Because all my life I’ve taken the path of honesty, integrity, and dignity and even though I’ve adhered to that philosophy I’ve ended up on the bottom you know?” Dave leaned forward in his chair, “And I’ll tell you why.” He grabbed the magazine he had been holding and began to shake it and point at it, his voice rising, “These people have killed me inside, and for what? To sell more copy. It’s despicable.” Dave started to flick through the pages frantically, “Ah here it is, 'Dave West’s Meltdown!'” The article contained various pictures of the fallen star of which some were taken during his brief public appearances, while others were clearly taken from the hills surrounding his apartment, highlighting the various states he had been in. Pictures of him pushing paparazzi away or standing at his window semi-clothed with a bottle of vodka in hand. He read out snippets of the article, “ 'Dave west has wasted away'. 'Delusional'. 'A broken man.' ” Troy cut him short as Dave was about to say more, “Don’t listen to that garbage, it’s all sensationalised nonsense. It‘ll do you no good believing it.” Dave was biting his fingernails hard, still reading the article unphased. ”Ok, ok! You wont believe this” and drawing a deep breath proceeded to read the article aloud: “ 'Meanwhile his glamorous ex, Nat, lives it up in Spain with her new hunk. Turn to page 49 for her exclusive interview'. ” Dave put the magazine down and walked over to the fridge, “Why do people believe these lies? And why is she making money by selling me out?”, he asked while pulling out the already half empty vodka bottle. Before troy had time to answer the questions Dave took a large gulp directly from the bottle and continued talking, “Does that girl have no dignity? Or is she just playing their game? Do they forget what she did to me? Or are they glad she did it to me? I just don’t know anymore and I cant believe she is feeding their ever hungry venomous mouths like this. That isn’t the girl I loved, but it seems she is full of surprises these days.” Dave was eyeballing his favourite stimulant. He let out a sorrowful sigh and downed some more.
Troy got up from his seat, walked over to Dave and hastily tried to grab the bottle but he pulled away from him, “Come on, man, just give me the bottle” he said with his arm stretched out as if trying to beckon it to him. Dave cowered backward, cradling the bottle. “ I'm fine,I’m fine. I don’t see what the problem is.” He snapped and Troy grew impatient with his friend, “You don’t see the problem? Really? You believe that, do you?” He felt himself growing angry, Dave stepped back again, surprised at Troy’s remarks. He put the bottle on the counter saying “No I don’t see the problem. Not at all, in fact.” Troy’s hand slid down his face with frustration, “What 's happened to you Dave? Come on, lets be honest here, you’re a complete wreck. What's gotten into you? Four months ago you were the great David West, two-time academy award winner, What she did to you was inexcusable, I know, but you've got to forget her, I mean she isn’t wasting any time getting on so she doesn’t even deserve the thoughts in your head.” Dave began to laugh hysterically which completely puzzled and angered Troy, “What? What’s so funny?” Troy snapped at Dave and whilst buckling over with laughter the actor looked up and replied, “It’s a new look, I’ve told you that already and as for that daughter of a whore, well I’ve told you already I loathe the ground she walks on.” Dave regained composure, stood upright and said with a smile, “I’m fine Troy, really.” Troy had reached boiling point and knew that his long-term client and friend was blatantly telling lies to his face. He lost all composure and grabbed Dave by the collar of his robe, little resistance was offered and before he knew it Troy had him up against the wall, “Don't you see what you’ve done to yourself? You’re a wreck, You look like shit, And it’s all because of her, Just let go, You let that Bitch out;. of your head because you can reassure yourself that you have kept your dignity, Your pride, And Your self worth, What does she have? Nothing, Its all a lie, All fucking smile’s and rainbows for the public but I guarantee you that when show time is over so are her smiles.”, Troy looked into Dave‘s eyes, He was staring back at him timidly, Almost in tears, It was at this moment that he realised what he had just done and let go of Dave, “I’m sorry, I,I, Didn’t mean to do that, I don’t know what came over me, I’m just trying to look out for you”, Dave collapsed to the floor and curled himself in a ball, The adrenalin flowing through his body made him feel weak and sick. He looked up at Troy with blood red eyes, “Get out now,”he said slowly through clenched teeth and Troy took a step back holding his hands up as if to signify innocence, “Look I’m sorry Dave, It just angers me to see you like this because I know there’s nothing I can say or do to help.” Dave’s head lay on the cold marble, he was staring seemingly at nothing, “Get out and leave me be”, he said, this time with no conviction but more of a hollow tone; Troy’s head hung low, “Ok, I’ll leave then, but you call me if you want to talk.” Dave lay still and expressionless, he did not answer Troy, nor looked at him, just listened to the sound of footsteps and then heard the door slam shut. He was alone once more.
An hour had passed and Dave was still lying on the ground, his finger tracing idly along the lines of the tiles whilst thinking about Natalie. He thought about the good times they'd spent together in this very apartment; the days when they would curl up together on the couch and talk about each other’s hectic lifetyles; the nights when they lay in bed together where not even the paparazzi could get their claws into them. A sentimental smile crept across his face but as always the tragedy seeped into his mind. The betrayal, the disregard for his emotions, the soiling of his once sacred memories which she regurgitated to the tabloids for money. He grew angry, slamming his fist repeatedly on the marble whilst writhing on the floor as if his mental anguish had manifested in him physically, but he decided enough was enough and slowly rose to his feet. The old familiar blood rush kicked in once he stood up, but he didn’t mind, “Time for me to get back on track”, he said with conviction whilst making his way to the bathroom. This time he stepped into the main bathroom, unable to face the smell of vomit in his en suite. It was a grand room filled with all the sterility of modern design. The fading daylight gave the room a comforting orange hue and Dave dragged his feet along the cool floor then stood in front of the large mirror. He decided it was time to shave and at least look semi-respectable if he was to find his acting feet again. He filled up the sink at the foot of the large mirror and applied some shaving foam to his face, finding it difficult to shave through his scraggly beard. “Fuck!”, he muttered to himself whilst wincing from the pain of cutting his face. Twenty minutes after finishing and his face looked like it had been attacked by a small animal, he then decided that shaving whilst drunk was not the greatest idea in the world, however he was pleased at how he looked. He was beginning to see remnants of his old self.
Dave stepped into the living room with a smile on his face, feeling small signs of progress for the first time in months. He sat on an armchair, closed his eyes and took in a deep breath. Tomorrow will be the day: The day I throw my problems away, start fresh, change my direction and start that goddamn screenplay I’ve been harping on about for the past few years. Get away from the camera. Get away from the limelight and be myself again, he thought to himself optimistically as his smile grew wider. Dave pulled a loose cigarette from his gown pocket, It was bent and crumpled but it would have to suffice as he didn’t want to look for the box. He grabbed a lighter from the floor and lit up his cigarette. He stretched out in his arm chair, gazed out of the window and thought about nothing in particular, which made him happy. He hadn’t had a clear mind space in a long time. Dave let the peace blanket him and lost consciousness.
After what seemed like days Dave woke up with a groan, He checked his watch it was 10:00 pm. His eyes focused on the half bottle of vodka sitting invitingly on the kitchen counter top, He had a playful grin on his tired face, “One last night of debauchery wont hurt, I must have a fitting goodbye to my old comrade, The great vodka!.”, He rose from his seat sporting a look of lust on his face and half danced over to the bottle picking it up quickly and downing it all, He let out a gruff grunt and wiped the excess away which had dribbled down his chin, His stomach was on fire but he paid little attention because tonight was his last night of fun. “Music, That’s it, I need music!.”, His reaction to his thoughts suggested he had a great epiphany, In reality it was in fact more mundane. He walked to his sound system and fumbled with the buttons for a while, He stood back from the machine, Beethoven’s “Moonlight Sonata” echoed through the apartment, His father had instilled a good knowledge of classical music in him, And Moonlight sonata always invoked a deep sense of nostalgia in him. Dave turned away from the stereo whilst humming his favourite composition, The alcohol had taken over and he was staggering and hiccupping, He ambled to the fridge and took out another bottle of vodka, He most certainly didn’t need it but that didn’t cross his mind, There was a magazine on the floor which caught his eye, The headline read, “Natalie’s wedding plans.”, It didn’t hurt anymore, The articles, The loss, The loneliness, He had reached his emotional thresh hold and was at a comfortable level of numbness so he awkwardly picked it up off the floor and sat back in his arm chair, Slugging from the bottle and flicking through the pages. Dave read through the article, It detailed her lavish wedding to her new man, involving all sorts of grandiose amusements and over the top furnishings, Natalie’s husband to be was a sickly rich Wall street business man by the name of Michael Anshel, so there was no doubt in Dave’s mind that she would be spoiled rotten by him, He never knew her to be like this but then again he doubted if he ever really knew her to begin with or if it was all just for the media, He exhaled deeply and took another swig of vodka.
Dave sat in his chair looking at pictures of his ex frolicking on a boat in some tropical waters with Michael, she looked so happy, and so did he. Dave flung the magazine to the ground, He could feel emotion and sentiment creep back into his head so he made the conscious effort to snub them out, alcohol had always been good for that, He looked at the bottle and mumbled “Good for you Natalie, good for you.” sarcastically whilst taking another large slug, He was now severely inebriated and his train of thought had been derailed. Dave felt a warm sensation trickle down his leg, He had soiled himself but he didn’t care, He feebly raised the bottle to his mouth and drank the bottle until there was no more, He missed his mouth several times and was now covered in vodka, He looked around the room as if he was looking for someone, His eyes opened and closed slowly, “More.”, He said aloud, no reply, only silence, He let out a loud scream as if was a distressed gorilla and slid off his seat. The ground was cool and refreshing, Dave crawled on hands and knees to the fridge, It was a painfully slow affair but he didn’t care much for time in his current state. The cool white light of the refrigerator made his pupils shrink, He winced for a moment and pawed around until he produced yet another bottle. Dave reached up and placed the vodka on the counter and clumsily rose to his feet using it as support, He could barely see anymore as his vision was severely blurred, “Bed.” He said to himself like a Neanderthal, It seemed so far away yet it was only a few metres, He zig zagged out of the living room and into the hall which was pitch black, He considered finding the light switch but it seemed like too much effort at the time, he took three steps into the dark, while lamely trying to feel his way around he fell hard, forcefully hitting his head off the ground but the pain didn’t register, there was only a dull ringing in his ears. Dave had managed to make it to his bed, He lay still looking into the darkness and drank his vodka slowly, He closed his eyes and confronted his conscience, His arm’s dropped limp by his side spilling vodka on himself and soaking the mattress but he didn’t care, He was past that and all the pain of the day was dissipating, Dave felt so cold but there was no relief, He could feel his heart beat slowing and his breath was getting more shallow, His mouth opened slightly, “I love you.” He whispered, It was barely audible. Darkness consumed his head..
Saint Tropez, France. A champagne flute falls to the ground and fragments into pieces, Natalie Goldman lay still on a deck chair, Her right hand closed over her chest, there was a stand beside her, on it lay a magazine, It was open on the centre page which read as follows, “David West, R.I.P. 1983-2009. Last week world renowned actor David West passed away tragically in his luxury Hollywood apartment due to acute alcohol poisoning, police are treating the case as non suspicious, meanwhile hundred’s of fans have paid tribute by laying bouquets of flowers outside his apartment. On going tribute’s are being paid by his fellow colleagues and employers. This is a tragic case of a talented young man who didn’t deserve such a short life. Natalie Goldman has not been available to comment on the passing of her ex boyfriend, it is thought she is finalising wedding plans in France. Our deepest sympathies go out to all of David’s family.”. Beside the article stood an empty Ritalin container, underneath it was a scrap of paper, there was a messily written paragraph on it which said, “To Michael, I am so sorry. This was all a mistake that got out of hand and I wrongly involved you, what I have done is inexplicable and I cant live with it. Once again I am sorry, I hope you find happiness.”. In her right hand was another scrap of paper scrunched up in her palm which read, “ I didn’t mean it. I love you. I’ll be with you soon.”.
Tahiti, The South Pacific. Troy walked along the sun kissed beach feeling the warm sand between his toes with every step, He was in paradise and was relishing every minute of it. The reason Troy had been distant with Dave during the scandal was because he himself had also been in turmoil, He couldn’t bare to watch the media savaging his friend and found it very unnerving, after Dave and Natalie passed he decided it was time for an early retirement and relocation, the show business wasn’t all it cracked up to be after all. Troy found a nice spot on the fringe of the tropical forest and sat on the sand. He looked out at the blue sky and ocean, his phone began to ring which disrupted the tranquility, he pulled it from his pocket and answered; “Hello Troy this is Sarah here with star weekly magazine we..”, Troy hung up before she had time to finish, he looked out at the ocean once more and smiled, “this is for you Dave” the former agent said to himself before launching his phone into the ocean with all his might, he was at peace finally.
As he quickly stubbed out his cigarette Dave stood up, blood rushed to his head and his pupils dilated. His vision was blurry now. He thrust his left arm against the wall to support himself, “Oh God, I feel like shit” he thought in self-pity. His stomach tightened and groaned and with that Dave ran to the en-suite and as he did so he slipped on the glossed black tiles and violently hit his head off the hard surface. Waves of pain pulsed through Dave’s body, “Not again, I cant take this,” he muttered to himself but as he finished his inner monologue he felt a warm burning sensation rising up his oesophagus, His mouth automatically opened to let the vomit pour out as Dave’s nostrils filled with the sickly smell. He felt the warm thick liquid stream down his chin and cheeks. For a moment he just lay there still and mused to himself, “How can I even vomit anymore? I haven’t eaten in three days.” The room filled with a cackling laugh; the laugh of a man who had stooped so low that he could even make hurting himself amusing in his head.
After about fifteen minutes of lying there and laughing at his own sorrows Dave slowly stood up, turned on the faucet and splashed water over his face to wash off the vomit and the water felt good on his skin; it was a small amount of relief in comparison to the mishap he'd endured. He looked up from the sink and into the murky mirror overhead, “God, man, you look horrendous” he said to himself with disdain whilst feeling his face. Dave was a good looking man of twenty-six but the past few weeks had taken their toll on him. His usually immaculate short cut brown hair now hung over his brow and was matted to his scalp. The area surrounding his eyes was composed of various shades of purple, black and yellow and the eyes themselves were almost entirely bloodshot. Wrinkle lines had carved their way deep into his brow and he had now grown an unbecoming beard. This was completely out of character for Dave as he'd always been obsessive about his appearance.
Dave took one more quick glance at himself before he fastened his robe and shambled into the living room. As he opened the door light flooded through his eyes, squinting as they struggled to take in the strong midday sun, “Christ, I need to clean this shit up,” he thought to himself. Magazines were strewn across the floor, his couch was broken in two and empty vodka bottles had taken over the kitchen to where Dave proceeded and boiled some water to make himself a green tea. He struggled with the kettle as he tried to pour water into a cup, “SHIT!!!,” he screamed in agony missing the cup and scalding his feet he cursed again, “Goddamn it; need to focus; need to regain composure.” Dave took in a deep breath and stirred his tea, limped back across the living room and stared out of the huge window. “Hollywood hills: The symbol of celebrity, status and culture.” Pausing for a minute he made a puzzled expression and thought “But what does it all stand for? What does it mean? It’s entirely shallow. Everyone who lives here is a blood-sucking whore who'll cut you down in the name of their public image.” He clenched his fists and his cheeks turned claret. Picking up a glossy magazine from the floor he gazed trance-like at it for some time. “How could they do this to me? The tabloids and their fucking see-saw morals, it's all a show. Ha! 'Natalie Goldman set to marry new hunk.' ” His hands began to shake and scrunching up the magazine in his fist he threw it at the stack of empty vodka bottles and sent one of them crashing to the ground, exploding into hundreds of tiny shards. His mind filled with hate.
“How could that goddamn bitch do this to me? It’s only been two months and she’s engaged, is she for real?” Tears streamed down Dave’s cheeks and his head became heavy with emotion, “Does she have no feelings for me at all anymore? All I ever did was give that girl everything I could and then she cheats on me with some stranger in a nightclub. Not only that but she didn’t have the tact to do it away from cameras? I don’t know who’s worse, her or me. I spent 3 years of my life with her after all but I never thought she was capable of something of that degree. Got to stop thinking like this; I’m going around in circles.” Dave turned away from the window and went over to his answering machine and pressed play. “Hey Dave, it’s Troy. How are you doing, man? Sorry I couldn’t ring sooner, just been really busy. Anyway, get to the point, I’ll drop by at three, see you soon. Oh yeah, I‘ve got what you asked for.” Dave glanced at his watch. It was two-thirty so he'd have just enough time to shower before Troy, his agent, called over.
The broken actor opened the fridge, “Ah, the Devil's brew!!” he said to himself with a grin on his face whilst reaching in and grabbing a fresh bottle of vodka from the seven that were in there. He opened a cupboard above and grabbed a pint glass, placed it on the table and with shaky hands filled it half way. Dave picked up the glass and idly watched the vodka swirl around before downing it all in one go. He felt his stomach warm and his throat burn, It was a feeling he had grown well accustomed to over the past few weeks. In the en suite the smell of vomit almost turned Dave's stomach but he didn’t care as it was the least of his worries. He dropped his robe and stepped into his shower, the warm water was comforting. He closed his eyes and let the alcohol take over.
Dave was woken by the doorbell ringing, he'd fallen asleep standing in the shower having succumbed to the vodka; “One second” he shouted out while stepping out of the shower and putting his robe back on. Staggering down the hall he opened the door sharply. Troy was standing there with a full bin liner. He was a well preserved forty-five year old and had mousey coloured hair which was cut tight to his head, aviator sun glasses sat on his long nose, which he peered over with a sombre look on his face, “Hey Man, how are you holding up?” There was a grave sense of sympathy in Troy’s voice. “I’m good Troy , real good. Come in.” Troy knew in his heart that Dave was not OK, but decided to indulge him for fear of enraging his long-term client. The pair walked down the hallway, Dave turning to Troy with a smile: “Do you like the new look? I’m trying out something new, a kind of New Age hippy thing.” Troy looked up at Dave with a false grin, “Yeah, You look great kid.”, “Thanks”, replied Dave with a big smile but Troy could see that Dave’s teeth had yellowed severely since they'd last met and that his breath smelled rancid. He loathed seeing Dave like this. The pair went into the living room and Dave turned to Troy with an earnest in his eyes, “Empty the bag” he said with a bitter tone in his voice. “Are you sure Dave?” countered Troy with an air of reluctance. Dave moved forward, intimidating, “Just empty the bag” almost losing his temper, feeling his heart beat rising and his stomach flutter with anticipation.
Leaning forward Troy picked up the bag, tipping its contents on to the white marble floor. “Here they are, just like you asked. This is pretty much every article either you or Natalie have appeared in since things went bad.” But Dave wasn’t listening, he was on his hands and knees frantically pawing through the magazines. He looked up at Troy with wild eyes, flailing a magazine in his hand, “Have you seen this? I mean, come on!” The article's title read “Naughty Nat up to no good!” and underneath was a picture of her straddling a unknown man in a glitzy nightclub. Troy’s heart broke for Dave, he looked at him and saw the hollow shell of the man he once was. His hair was filthy, eyes sore and vacant, finger nails crusted with dirt, cheeks sunken and taught and a straggly beard. It was a far cry from the man who'd been awarded two Oscars and had been to Africa on numerous aid missions. “Yeah I saw it, Dave. She isn’t worth thinking about anymore. I mean what she did to you was disgusting.” But Dave wouldn’t answer, rather fixating on the brightly coloured trash on the floor.
Troy moved away from Dave, sat in an armchair, gazed out of the window and reflected. Four months ago his client was the hottest property in Hollywood and now the media had raped him, sucked him of his integrity, and spat him out. It wasn’t long before both Natalie and Dave had become targets, Natalie for obvious reasons and Dave because he'd 'Let himself go.' Troy’s mind grew heavy. How could they do that to people? Didn't they realise that actors are just human too? Just people like anyone else except their lives are in the spotlight and that in itself makes the ridiculous amounts of money they get paid justifiable. Suddenly Dave hopped in front of Troy, flicking through the pages of a magazine, “Sorry Troy I’m being rude, how are you? Have I had any job offers?” That put Troy on the spot; there hadn’t been any studio calls regarding Dave at all but he knew he couldn’t offend him either so tried to skirt the issue , “Ah I’m ok, same old story as always” Dave who was sitting cross legged on the floor in front of Troy peered up at him with an eager look, “So what about jobs?” Troy shifted uneasily in his seat and placed his hand on the side of his head, “Well there haven’t exactly been many man”, Dave looked up from his magazine confused, “What do you mean?” since Dave‘s first big movie he'd gotten used to rejecting hundreds of offers. Troy sighed “I mean there's been no acting offers, only tabloids wanting your side of the break-up.” The afternoon's visitor hoping not to offend his trusted charge accepted there was no way to avoid it. Dave was a passionate actor and the thought of talking to the tabloids about his private life apppalled him,so Troy cringed in anticipating Dave’s reply.
Looking up from the magazine Dave stared blankly at Troy and an uncomfortable silence followed. The actor closed his eyes and drew in a deep breath, “I cant do that” he said calmly while looking back down at the magazine. Troy was surprised by Dave’s nonchalant answer which encouraged him to further understand his reasoning, “Why not?,” he asked in plain honesty. Dave put the magazine to one side and uncrossed his legs, “Why not? Why not?” Dave let out a quiet chuckle, “I’ll tell you why not. Because all my life I’ve taken the path of honesty, integrity, and dignity and even though I’ve adhered to that philosophy I’ve ended up on the bottom you know?” Dave leaned forward in his chair, “And I’ll tell you why.” He grabbed the magazine he had been holding and began to shake it and point at it, his voice rising, “These people have killed me inside, and for what? To sell more copy. It’s despicable.” Dave started to flick through the pages frantically, “Ah here it is, 'Dave West’s Meltdown!'” The article contained various pictures of the fallen star of which some were taken during his brief public appearances, while others were clearly taken from the hills surrounding his apartment, highlighting the various states he had been in. Pictures of him pushing paparazzi away or standing at his window semi-clothed with a bottle of vodka in hand. He read out snippets of the article, “ 'Dave west has wasted away'. 'Delusional'. 'A broken man.' ” Troy cut him short as Dave was about to say more, “Don’t listen to that garbage, it’s all sensationalised nonsense. It‘ll do you no good believing it.” Dave was biting his fingernails hard, still reading the article unphased. ”Ok, ok! You wont believe this” and drawing a deep breath proceeded to read the article aloud: “ 'Meanwhile his glamorous ex, Nat, lives it up in Spain with her new hunk. Turn to page 49 for her exclusive interview'. ” Dave put the magazine down and walked over to the fridge, “Why do people believe these lies? And why is she making money by selling me out?”, he asked while pulling out the already half empty vodka bottle. Before troy had time to answer the questions Dave took a large gulp directly from the bottle and continued talking, “Does that girl have no dignity? Or is she just playing their game? Do they forget what she did to me? Or are they glad she did it to me? I just don’t know anymore and I cant believe she is feeding their ever hungry venomous mouths like this. That isn’t the girl I loved, but it seems she is full of surprises these days.” Dave was eyeballing his favourite stimulant. He let out a sorrowful sigh and downed some more.
Troy got up from his seat, walked over to Dave and hastily tried to grab the bottle but he pulled away from him, “Come on, man, just give me the bottle” he said with his arm stretched out as if trying to beckon it to him. Dave cowered backward, cradling the bottle. “ I'm fine,I’m fine. I don’t see what the problem is.” He snapped and Troy grew impatient with his friend, “You don’t see the problem? Really? You believe that, do you?” He felt himself growing angry, Dave stepped back again, surprised at Troy’s remarks. He put the bottle on the counter saying “No I don’t see the problem. Not at all, in fact.” Troy’s hand slid down his face with frustration, “What 's happened to you Dave? Come on, lets be honest here, you’re a complete wreck. What's gotten into you? Four months ago you were the great David West, two-time academy award winner, What she did to you was inexcusable, I know, but you've got to forget her, I mean she isn’t wasting any time getting on so she doesn’t even deserve the thoughts in your head.” Dave began to laugh hysterically which completely puzzled and angered Troy, “What? What’s so funny?” Troy snapped at Dave and whilst buckling over with laughter the actor looked up and replied, “It’s a new look, I’ve told you that already and as for that daughter of a whore, well I’ve told you already I loathe the ground she walks on.” Dave regained composure, stood upright and said with a smile, “I’m fine Troy, really.” Troy had reached boiling point and knew that his long-term client and friend was blatantly telling lies to his face. He lost all composure and grabbed Dave by the collar of his robe, little resistance was offered and before he knew it Troy had him up against the wall, “Don't you see what you’ve done to yourself? You’re a wreck, You look like shit, And it’s all because of her, Just let go, You let that Bitch out;. of your head because you can reassure yourself that you have kept your dignity, Your pride, And Your self worth, What does she have? Nothing, Its all a lie, All fucking smile’s and rainbows for the public but I guarantee you that when show time is over so are her smiles.”, Troy looked into Dave‘s eyes, He was staring back at him timidly, Almost in tears, It was at this moment that he realised what he had just done and let go of Dave, “I’m sorry, I,I, Didn’t mean to do that, I don’t know what came over me, I’m just trying to look out for you”, Dave collapsed to the floor and curled himself in a ball, The adrenalin flowing through his body made him feel weak and sick. He looked up at Troy with blood red eyes, “Get out now,”he said slowly through clenched teeth and Troy took a step back holding his hands up as if to signify innocence, “Look I’m sorry Dave, It just angers me to see you like this because I know there’s nothing I can say or do to help.” Dave’s head lay on the cold marble, he was staring seemingly at nothing, “Get out and leave me be”, he said, this time with no conviction but more of a hollow tone; Troy’s head hung low, “Ok, I’ll leave then, but you call me if you want to talk.” Dave lay still and expressionless, he did not answer Troy, nor looked at him, just listened to the sound of footsteps and then heard the door slam shut. He was alone once more.
An hour had passed and Dave was still lying on the ground, his finger tracing idly along the lines of the tiles whilst thinking about Natalie. He thought about the good times they'd spent together in this very apartment; the days when they would curl up together on the couch and talk about each other’s hectic lifetyles; the nights when they lay in bed together where not even the paparazzi could get their claws into them. A sentimental smile crept across his face but as always the tragedy seeped into his mind. The betrayal, the disregard for his emotions, the soiling of his once sacred memories which she regurgitated to the tabloids for money. He grew angry, slamming his fist repeatedly on the marble whilst writhing on the floor as if his mental anguish had manifested in him physically, but he decided enough was enough and slowly rose to his feet. The old familiar blood rush kicked in once he stood up, but he didn’t mind, “Time for me to get back on track”, he said with conviction whilst making his way to the bathroom. This time he stepped into the main bathroom, unable to face the smell of vomit in his en suite. It was a grand room filled with all the sterility of modern design. The fading daylight gave the room a comforting orange hue and Dave dragged his feet along the cool floor then stood in front of the large mirror. He decided it was time to shave and at least look semi-respectable if he was to find his acting feet again. He filled up the sink at the foot of the large mirror and applied some shaving foam to his face, finding it difficult to shave through his scraggly beard. “Fuck!”, he muttered to himself whilst wincing from the pain of cutting his face. Twenty minutes after finishing and his face looked like it had been attacked by a small animal, he then decided that shaving whilst drunk was not the greatest idea in the world, however he was pleased at how he looked. He was beginning to see remnants of his old self.
Dave stepped into the living room with a smile on his face, feeling small signs of progress for the first time in months. He sat on an armchair, closed his eyes and took in a deep breath. Tomorrow will be the day: The day I throw my problems away, start fresh, change my direction and start that goddamn screenplay I’ve been harping on about for the past few years. Get away from the camera. Get away from the limelight and be myself again, he thought to himself optimistically as his smile grew wider. Dave pulled a loose cigarette from his gown pocket, It was bent and crumpled but it would have to suffice as he didn’t want to look for the box. He grabbed a lighter from the floor and lit up his cigarette. He stretched out in his arm chair, gazed out of the window and thought about nothing in particular, which made him happy. He hadn’t had a clear mind space in a long time. Dave let the peace blanket him and lost consciousness.
After what seemed like days Dave woke up with a groan, He checked his watch it was 10:00 pm. His eyes focused on the half bottle of vodka sitting invitingly on the kitchen counter top, He had a playful grin on his tired face, “One last night of debauchery wont hurt, I must have a fitting goodbye to my old comrade, The great vodka!.”, He rose from his seat sporting a look of lust on his face and half danced over to the bottle picking it up quickly and downing it all, He let out a gruff grunt and wiped the excess away which had dribbled down his chin, His stomach was on fire but he paid little attention because tonight was his last night of fun. “Music, That’s it, I need music!.”, His reaction to his thoughts suggested he had a great epiphany, In reality it was in fact more mundane. He walked to his sound system and fumbled with the buttons for a while, He stood back from the machine, Beethoven’s “Moonlight Sonata” echoed through the apartment, His father had instilled a good knowledge of classical music in him, And Moonlight sonata always invoked a deep sense of nostalgia in him. Dave turned away from the stereo whilst humming his favourite composition, The alcohol had taken over and he was staggering and hiccupping, He ambled to the fridge and took out another bottle of vodka, He most certainly didn’t need it but that didn’t cross his mind, There was a magazine on the floor which caught his eye, The headline read, “Natalie’s wedding plans.”, It didn’t hurt anymore, The articles, The loss, The loneliness, He had reached his emotional thresh hold and was at a comfortable level of numbness so he awkwardly picked it up off the floor and sat back in his arm chair, Slugging from the bottle and flicking through the pages. Dave read through the article, It detailed her lavish wedding to her new man, involving all sorts of grandiose amusements and over the top furnishings, Natalie’s husband to be was a sickly rich Wall street business man by the name of Michael Anshel, so there was no doubt in Dave’s mind that she would be spoiled rotten by him, He never knew her to be like this but then again he doubted if he ever really knew her to begin with or if it was all just for the media, He exhaled deeply and took another swig of vodka.
Dave sat in his chair looking at pictures of his ex frolicking on a boat in some tropical waters with Michael, she looked so happy, and so did he. Dave flung the magazine to the ground, He could feel emotion and sentiment creep back into his head so he made the conscious effort to snub them out, alcohol had always been good for that, He looked at the bottle and mumbled “Good for you Natalie, good for you.” sarcastically whilst taking another large slug, He was now severely inebriated and his train of thought had been derailed. Dave felt a warm sensation trickle down his leg, He had soiled himself but he didn’t care, He feebly raised the bottle to his mouth and drank the bottle until there was no more, He missed his mouth several times and was now covered in vodka, He looked around the room as if he was looking for someone, His eyes opened and closed slowly, “More.”, He said aloud, no reply, only silence, He let out a loud scream as if was a distressed gorilla and slid off his seat. The ground was cool and refreshing, Dave crawled on hands and knees to the fridge, It was a painfully slow affair but he didn’t care much for time in his current state. The cool white light of the refrigerator made his pupils shrink, He winced for a moment and pawed around until he produced yet another bottle. Dave reached up and placed the vodka on the counter and clumsily rose to his feet using it as support, He could barely see anymore as his vision was severely blurred, “Bed.” He said to himself like a Neanderthal, It seemed so far away yet it was only a few metres, He zig zagged out of the living room and into the hall which was pitch black, He considered finding the light switch but it seemed like too much effort at the time, he took three steps into the dark, while lamely trying to feel his way around he fell hard, forcefully hitting his head off the ground but the pain didn’t register, there was only a dull ringing in his ears. Dave had managed to make it to his bed, He lay still looking into the darkness and drank his vodka slowly, He closed his eyes and confronted his conscience, His arm’s dropped limp by his side spilling vodka on himself and soaking the mattress but he didn’t care, He was past that and all the pain of the day was dissipating, Dave felt so cold but there was no relief, He could feel his heart beat slowing and his breath was getting more shallow, His mouth opened slightly, “I love you.” He whispered, It was barely audible. Darkness consumed his head..
Saint Tropez, France. A champagne flute falls to the ground and fragments into pieces, Natalie Goldman lay still on a deck chair, Her right hand closed over her chest, there was a stand beside her, on it lay a magazine, It was open on the centre page which read as follows, “David West, R.I.P. 1983-2009. Last week world renowned actor David West passed away tragically in his luxury Hollywood apartment due to acute alcohol poisoning, police are treating the case as non suspicious, meanwhile hundred’s of fans have paid tribute by laying bouquets of flowers outside his apartment. On going tribute’s are being paid by his fellow colleagues and employers. This is a tragic case of a talented young man who didn’t deserve such a short life. Natalie Goldman has not been available to comment on the passing of her ex boyfriend, it is thought she is finalising wedding plans in France. Our deepest sympathies go out to all of David’s family.”. Beside the article stood an empty Ritalin container, underneath it was a scrap of paper, there was a messily written paragraph on it which said, “To Michael, I am so sorry. This was all a mistake that got out of hand and I wrongly involved you, what I have done is inexplicable and I cant live with it. Once again I am sorry, I hope you find happiness.”. In her right hand was another scrap of paper scrunched up in her palm which read, “ I didn’t mean it. I love you. I’ll be with you soon.”.
Tahiti, The South Pacific. Troy walked along the sun kissed beach feeling the warm sand between his toes with every step, He was in paradise and was relishing every minute of it. The reason Troy had been distant with Dave during the scandal was because he himself had also been in turmoil, He couldn’t bare to watch the media savaging his friend and found it very unnerving, after Dave and Natalie passed he decided it was time for an early retirement and relocation, the show business wasn’t all it cracked up to be after all. Troy found a nice spot on the fringe of the tropical forest and sat on the sand. He looked out at the blue sky and ocean, his phone began to ring which disrupted the tranquility, he pulled it from his pocket and answered; “Hello Troy this is Sarah here with star weekly magazine we..”, Troy hung up before she had time to finish, he looked out at the ocean once more and smiled, “this is for you Dave” the former agent said to himself before launching his phone into the ocean with all his might, he was at peace finally.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Spring Torrents by Westley Barnes
Are these tears of blundering laughter
Or heckles of contempt
That spirit on these haggard leaders
To rhapsodise our era's curtain calls?
The same who brought us mounting debt and conscientioussness
Which seems only to be healed in the appeasing flouescence
Of 24-hour supermarkets and the purgatory
of weekends spent at home?
Such stifling,nervous coughs
Are heard as responses of
Today's domestic questionnaires.
Gung-ho reformative advances
And calls to "pull up our socks"
Mingled with the state-sponsered fourtune-telling
Rationed out yo boys languishing on the dole.
All which falsely transpires of course,
Intimidatingly revealed as being
About as appealing as vaccum cleaners for the soul
Marketed at the resoulely bored to tears.
Despite our fears
The sun will come streaming again
Through Fir Trees
That decorate contemplative,sheltered lanes.
These last frostbitten years
Seek replacement with halcyon days
In order to suspend dogmatic disbelief.
But lets not get ahead of ourselves
Pessimism is sexy
Even in the most roaring of times
We remained despondent,stroppy and calculated.
Or heckles of contempt
That spirit on these haggard leaders
To rhapsodise our era's curtain calls?
The same who brought us mounting debt and conscientioussness
Which seems only to be healed in the appeasing flouescence
Of 24-hour supermarkets and the purgatory
of weekends spent at home?
Such stifling,nervous coughs
Are heard as responses of
Today's domestic questionnaires.
Gung-ho reformative advances
And calls to "pull up our socks"
Mingled with the state-sponsered fourtune-telling
Rationed out yo boys languishing on the dole.
All which falsely transpires of course,
Intimidatingly revealed as being
About as appealing as vaccum cleaners for the soul
Marketed at the resoulely bored to tears.
Despite our fears
The sun will come streaming again
Through Fir Trees
That decorate contemplative,sheltered lanes.
These last frostbitten years
Seek replacement with halcyon days
In order to suspend dogmatic disbelief.
But lets not get ahead of ourselves
Pessimism is sexy
Even in the most roaring of times
We remained despondent,stroppy and calculated.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Between waves and the marram by Adam Power
The waves lap around my feet as I curl my toes into the sand. It's cold but soothing, relieving. I feel a mess of thoughts escape me, for what seems like hours, as I watch the symmetry of the water around my feet and the indentation they leave in the sand. There's something about these moments that I seem to value over anything else; feeling so much clarity, yet so detached from everything outside of my direct attention. Waves. Sand. I'm amazed at the sight of the movement of my toes, gripping the sand then releasing, like a lazy fist. It's as if I'm not inside my own body at all, but viewing it from the perspective of someone, or something, with no knowledge of how people function. I'm vaguely aware of the tide dragging me farther down the beach as I stand motionless in the wash. I haven't felt that drift since I was a child. It perplexed me then, but only startles me now. A gull calls out from above,drawing me out of my trance.
I remember why I came down here in the first place. The last of the evening sun looked beautiful over the ocean, dyeing the horizon an aggressive red. I felt the need to come see it, but she just sat there and smiled, the most genuine and sympathetic smile I've ever seen. With her bottle of wine clutched in two hands, she gave me that understanding look of hers :
"If you want to, go ahead; but I'm not getting up".
It felt slightly disheartening, but if our positions were reversed I can't say I'd have acted any differently. Besides, I know she'll be there when I return. I could tell how damned cold she was just by looking in her eyes, and that's not something she had ever been above complaining about before. She must have had as much flowing through her mind as I did, but we both understood they were things we couldn't discuss. Not yet.
Being alone, together. The thought seems both absurd and a little comforting. She needs to be up lying amongst the marram as much as I need to be here standing in the surf. That has to count for something, right?
I hear the wind rattling through the dunes as I stare out over the seemingly infinite waters. A sigh escapes my barely parted lips, born of a mind clouded with drink, nostalgia, thoughts. Only pushing into adulthood and already I feel weary of life. A lazy smirk graces my face, as I realise the dissonance of my thoughts. If something as simple as my feet in the sand can grip me so wholly, how can life seem so laborious? Just as the humour sinks in I hear her footsteps in the shallow waters behind me. Her arms wrap around my waist, her chin rests on my shoulder. My train of is lost as I sense her breath on my neck, her aroma in the air.
"You think too much", she says.
I can tell that she's smiling from the inflection in her voice.
"Yeah", I mutter, my mouth spreading into a smile of my own, "I think I do."
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Poems by Nicola Fortune
It's Only You
I curl up and sleep on your grave
Soak up the self pollution that I've made
I cry myself to dream, if only you could have seen
What it was, that it was all meant to mean.
Your home is now my home for keeps
It's the only place my soul has any peace
Mine in full is printed there under your name
I decided i would try and join in the game
Only you could have known it would all end in such shame.
It's a wasted participation, amongst all these altercations
You should just own up and say you ruined the only creation.
My comfort is only in his space now
I turn and say 'it's only you, i solemnly vow.'
I'll curl up and sleep on his grave
Cry myself to dream, so bruised and betrayed
My teary dreams kick in and i slowly fade
Curled up on his grave is where Ive stayed.
My comfort is only in his space now
I turn and say 'It's only you i solely vow'
It's only you that i need now.
Tool
The aluminous green moths that swirl around my head
Or in my mind?
Without being told my shivering hand reaches to grab them
The pain of realising that I'm too far down
That their too far up
Like heaven, just out of my grasp.
Floating in my head, why green?
Why purple? Why orange?
Why the smoke?
When it's already hot enough.
Have to get liquid
So i get three, one for me
Then Paul, is that three?
Refreshing, it's refreshing me.
Noticing the rest think I don't fit this world
But I'll do and say as i please today.
A tattooed smile on my face
Wired to it all
Swaying back and forth
Honestly confused. Why Lakers?
How many faces in that picture?
A thousand eyes staring back at me
Without judgment.
I'm laughing...
So they easily approve of my temperment.
We were soilders, waiting
Just for a yellow BLX
Surrounded by people i recognise, but nobody i know
It will all be good, drop another purple one
Or red? Why red?
Why not blue and white like it was
Wired to the dangly-angly side on the moon
Don't think i'll be down anytime soon.
A tiny black rabbitt pushes by me - Alice?
Then a cat called Dick
Welcome to my party for a shiny green trick
So close to tears Maynard
When I hear that panting
Aemina is now waiting for me
Aemina is here for everybody.
I curl up and sleep on your grave
Soak up the self pollution that I've made
I cry myself to dream, if only you could have seen
What it was, that it was all meant to mean.
Your home is now my home for keeps
It's the only place my soul has any peace
Mine in full is printed there under your name
I decided i would try and join in the game
Only you could have known it would all end in such shame.
It's a wasted participation, amongst all these altercations
You should just own up and say you ruined the only creation.
My comfort is only in his space now
I turn and say 'it's only you, i solemnly vow.'
I'll curl up and sleep on his grave
Cry myself to dream, so bruised and betrayed
My teary dreams kick in and i slowly fade
Curled up on his grave is where Ive stayed.
My comfort is only in his space now
I turn and say 'It's only you i solely vow'
It's only you that i need now.
Tool
The aluminous green moths that swirl around my head
Or in my mind?
Without being told my shivering hand reaches to grab them
The pain of realising that I'm too far down
That their too far up
Like heaven, just out of my grasp.
Floating in my head, why green?
Why purple? Why orange?
Why the smoke?
When it's already hot enough.
Have to get liquid
So i get three, one for me
Then Paul, is that three?
Refreshing, it's refreshing me.
Noticing the rest think I don't fit this world
But I'll do and say as i please today.
A tattooed smile on my face
Wired to it all
Swaying back and forth
Honestly confused. Why Lakers?
How many faces in that picture?
A thousand eyes staring back at me
Without judgment.
I'm laughing...
So they easily approve of my temperment.
We were soilders, waiting
Just for a yellow BLX
Surrounded by people i recognise, but nobody i know
It will all be good, drop another purple one
Or red? Why red?
Why not blue and white like it was
Wired to the dangly-angly side on the moon
Don't think i'll be down anytime soon.
A tiny black rabbitt pushes by me - Alice?
Then a cat called Dick
Welcome to my party for a shiny green trick
So close to tears Maynard
When I hear that panting
Aemina is now waiting for me
Aemina is here for everybody.
Bóthar by Brian Kavanagh
Bóthar
A road?
Not just any road my dear…
This is the final road, the one with the big mysterious cathedral at the end. The resting place of many a good man. And now this place will be my tomb. Not because I was a better man than most, but simply because it’s the end of the road my friend.
Gawking eyes haunt me as I approach the main doors. Cawing and crowing fills the dark air at this late hour, fear suddenly hits me as I reach out for the old gothic styled handle. The smell of sulphur and putrid dead skin consumes me now as the door slowly creaks to a stop.
A dark silhouette stands before me, a trail of tears lead to its feet. Its eyes lit with a disturbingly blue glow, covered in a robe to hide its deformed body. This silhouette somehow looks strangely familiar. I look beyond the robe and make out wounds on its torso, blood still dripping.
I can’t take this anymore! I think to myself and I make a run towards the shadowy figure. Suddenly in a flash of bright green, the robe disappears and I’m left facing myself! Naked, I look myself up and down filling with shame. As I look closer I realise that the wounds have opened up completely. A gash that you could fit your hand inside, covers where my heart once was.
I start to cry uncontrollably. I have just realised that I was not dying of natural causes, nor overdosing on any substance. I wasn’t even killed by some trigger happy maniac.
No!
I have just died of a broken heart…
A road?
Not just any road my dear…
This is the final road, the one with the big mysterious cathedral at the end. The resting place of many a good man. And now this place will be my tomb. Not because I was a better man than most, but simply because it’s the end of the road my friend.
Gawking eyes haunt me as I approach the main doors. Cawing and crowing fills the dark air at this late hour, fear suddenly hits me as I reach out for the old gothic styled handle. The smell of sulphur and putrid dead skin consumes me now as the door slowly creaks to a stop.
A dark silhouette stands before me, a trail of tears lead to its feet. Its eyes lit with a disturbingly blue glow, covered in a robe to hide its deformed body. This silhouette somehow looks strangely familiar. I look beyond the robe and make out wounds on its torso, blood still dripping.
I can’t take this anymore! I think to myself and I make a run towards the shadowy figure. Suddenly in a flash of bright green, the robe disappears and I’m left facing myself! Naked, I look myself up and down filling with shame. As I look closer I realise that the wounds have opened up completely. A gash that you could fit your hand inside, covers where my heart once was.
I start to cry uncontrollably. I have just realised that I was not dying of natural causes, nor overdosing on any substance. I wasn’t even killed by some trigger happy maniac.
No!
I have just died of a broken heart…
Monday, January 17, 2011
Starlight by Eamonn O'Neill
Starlight
Everything fell out of his head and then we looked at each other. Heather screamed and David put his hand over her mouth. Then we looked at each other again. All I could hear was the noise of the river. I laughed a little thinking about how ridiculous it all was. Like an art house movie, the sound of nature playing over such a horrible image. The valley we were in didn’t help mute the laughing but no one said anything. No one even looked. A brass band could have marched past us. We wouldn’t have glimpsed.
It had been raining earlier. The ground was wet and steep. Sludge. It made getting river side difficult. Nature didn’t want any visitors. Maybe it wanted to keep the ones it got. I don’t know. The valley was shadowed by trees. Moonlight hit the ground from gaps in the leaves. The floor looked like an ocean bed.
There were cans and bottles littered around the fire. Mark hiccupped and Stacey hugged her body. Mascara trailed her eyes like narrow bruising. David was still holding Heather by the mouth. I was thinking about opening another can. Timothy lay on the ground, he spasmed a little. It all seemed very natural. I walked over to the crate of beer, there were only three cans left.
Timothy had fallen bringing it down the hill. He landed face first in the muddiest area of the ground. When he pulled himself up we all laughed. He soured pretty quick so Heather gave him a hug and kissed him. He looked at me and I looked back and he held her and I looked away. I didn’t enjoy drinking the first can. I thought a lot about going home. Stacey sat beside me. I didn’t look at her but she stayed there all the same. We sat in silence for a while until she whispered something in my ear, squeezed my shoulder and left me alone.
“Anyone want a can? There’s three left. I’m getting one.”
No one answered. I could hear Heather crying. Her tears weren’t helping anything. The ground was wet enough.
“This is your fault you fucking prick! This is your fucking fault!”
I shivered for a second. Maybe, but we both knew she had a part to play. Then a memory. It seemed oddly appropriate. I was eight, trying to teach my kid sister to climb trees. She had learned how to get up. But it’s always harder to get down. Her foot slipped, she came down hard on the branch. Her body rotated upside down and hit the grass at a terrible angle. Dad beat the shit out of me over that.
“This is all your fault, you jealous bastard!”
“It’ll be okay Heather. My sister was only concussed, Timothy will probably be fine.”
“What the fuck does that mean?!”
“It’s just a concussion, I’d say.”
“I can see his brain.”
Timothy had hit me hard. Very hard and very fast. I wasn’t nearly as big as him and I didn’t have that look in my eye.
Two weeks beforehand Heather sticks her tongue into my ear and breaths heavy. I tell her I think I love her and she begins unbuttoning my shirt.
“Timothy stop!” Heather screamed. I must have looked afraid. My eyes give everything away.
“I don’t love him, it meant nothing, I love you!”
The last thing I remember is Heather looking frightened. I could feel my eyes change colour.
Mark hiccupped again.
You know when you watch those Kung Fu films. Those pressure points. Prod someone in the back their heart stops. Jam your thumb in someone’s throat they can’t move. It happens like that. I pick up a rock from the mud. It hits him once. Side of the head. Ever seen a melon split?
“You alright David, you’re real quiet?” I asked looking at Timothy’s uneven face. I couldn’t see his pupils.
“I... I’m, is he alive, we should call someone right? Let’s call someone. I think we should call someone.”
“Yeah, is there any signal here?” Stacey said with folded arms before she started shivering again.
Everyone checked their phones. No signal.
“I’m going to get to a road, call someone, maybe stop a car. I don’t know. I don’t know.”
“Yeah, okay someone stay here. Stay with him.” David said. Mark nodded to signify that he was going to go with David and Stacey and then hiccupped again.
“I’m not staying here with that killer. I won’t, I...I...oh God it’s my fault if I hadn’t slept with you...oh God! It’s me, I...I killed him I...”
Heather started making weird sounds, breathing in weird ways. I expected her to laugh but she didn’t she just stared at the ground. I thought that was what was supposed to happen when you cracked. I remember agreeing with her.
“It’s my fault. I’ll stay here, wait for the police or whatever, it was self defence anyway so they probably...”
Heather seemed to calm down she even tried to smile at me. What came out was a crooked smirk. I felt the fear flow through me. Everyone left and began to scramble up the hill. Clumps of wet dirt rolled under their shoes. Mark slipped several times between hiccups and Heather laughed out loud. It started a kind of Mexican wave reaction. Mark smiled and slurred.
“I’m some drunk though.”
And then everyone was gone.
I knelt down beside Timothy and tried to find a pulse. I couldn’t feel anything. Then again I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing. I walked to the cans and opened another. I stood over Timothy and held the can upside down splashing beer against the ground.
“One for my homie.”
I reached into my back pocket and pulled out a whatever jangle I had.
“Fucking Euros.”
I held the change in my palm and moved the coins around. Wouldn’t have had this problem if we still had the pound. I took up a two Euro coin. The one with the most silver on it and then sat down beside Timothy. I placed the coin into his already open mouth and moved his eyelids down.
“Just in case” I said, “Just in case the Vikings were right.”
Sometimes, sitting here after dark, I envy the clarity I had that night.
“Just in case.”
Something in the back of my mind told me to take the coin out.
“No” I whispered “Just in case”.
I lay down beside Timothy and grasped his hand.
“I want you to know I’m sorry and it was an accident. You can have her. Me, I couldn’t handle her. Firecracker man. If we’re all ever, I don’t know, together again, then she’s yours. No hard feelings okay?”
I looked at Timothy and moved his eyelids back open. I wanted him to see the sky. It could have been minutes, hours. I don’t know. At first I thought it was God. Bright lights flashing through the trees. Shadows creeping. Then I heard the voices. Men, guards. I poured what was left of the can into my mouth and looked up. The trees framed the sky. It was like a moth had gotten at a black sheet. Little white perforations. Then in the middle of it all this huge hole. White as bone and twice as chipped.
The tears filled my eyes but didn’t drip. The flashlight found me before it moved on to Timothy. It didn’t move back. “Mother of God”, “Jesus” and “Fucking Hell”. All God fearing guards. I looked back at the moon and the felt salt on my lips. The tears were loose. I couldn’t help it. Everything was so alive. So vibrant. I squeezed Timothy’s hand.
“I know” I coughed “it’s so fucking beautiful.”
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